Why Happier Relationships Mean a Healthier You
Hey Rewire Collective!
Welcome to this week’s newsletter. We’re diving into all things love, attraction, and longevity.
Where does attraction start?
Let’s just start with the lowest hanging fruit – some level of physical attractiveness is involved here (1,2).
Other than the physical, there’s the behavioural. And there are a couple of theories about this. One is the similarity theory, that we’re attracted to people with similar views and opinions as ourselves. And the second is the opposites attract theory (Robert Francis Winch, 1950), the idea that we’re attracted to people who have qualities we think we lack, because relationships are fulfilling when our personalities complement one another.
But actually, when we look at the evidence to support these, we see that an overwhelming amount of evidence shows that we’re attracted to people similar to ourselves (3,4). The only contrary evidence comes from studies by Arthur Aron, which show that sometimes we do seek out people who promote our self-growth and self-expansion.
What’s Happening Chemically?
When we see someone we love, our brain's reward regions activate. Dopamine-rich regions such as the caudate nucleus (involved in reward detection) and ventral tegmental area (involved in pleasure and attention) become highly active (5). In fact, the dopamine released from early relationship love creates a pleasurable experience similar to drug use (6).
Particularly in the beginning stages of attraction and love, our body also releases cortisol, giving rise to the classic racing heart and sweaty palms (7).
Oxytocin is released during sex and deepens the feelings of attachment between a couple. This and vasopressin are two hormones highly responsible for long-term monogamous relationships (8).
Whatever Makes Us Fall in Love, Once We’re in it, We’re in it.
The flipside to all this positive and happy emotion is that our negative emotions are turned off. Neural pathways associated with social judgement and fear, especially the amygdala, are deactivated when we’re in love (9). To add to that, all the elevated cortisol at the beginning of a relationship causes a decrease in serotonin (10, 11). This can lead us to become obsessive-compulsive towards the other person.
Combined with our blindness to their faults or issues, this means we can easily fall for people who aren’t good for us. Setting boundaries can be a great way to help with this, so stay tuned for next week’s newsletter!
Why do we want to be in relationships anyway?
Research shows that we live longer and happier lives when we’re in happy relationships and have close friendships (12). Maybe this isn’t so surprising, since we saw above that our brain finds relationships and attraction so rewarding.
Note: Healthy love sometimes feels boring, but actually, it’s better for you! For why healthy love can feel boring, check out my YouTube video!
But, the happiness you get from a relationship is proportional to how much healthier that relationship makes you (13). Close and happy relationships were better predictors of long and happy lives than even genetics (13). The study found that the people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80 (13, 14). In fact, they found that the level of satisfaction with your relationships at age 50 was a better predictor of physical health than cholesterol levels were (13). We see that women who are happy in their relationships perform better cognitively too (15).
Tending to our relationships and being careful about our relationship choices is a form of self-care. Prioritise it.
Until Next Week,
Nicole x
P.S. Leave a comment below to let me know what topics you want covered in future weeks!
References
Brilliant and very timely! Thank you Nicole. Hope you are well.